I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
