I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
