never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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