Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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