Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
