I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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