So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
