How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
her vagine was all disorganized.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Randomize