A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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