I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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