lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Randomize
