life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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