"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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