she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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