I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
