the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
