we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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