You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
