from now on my penis is your penis
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
And then he peed in my hair
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