I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
