she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
