***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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