i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
