I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
