Even water is tasting like jack daniels
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
