oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize