Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
