dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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