im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
