made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
