New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Too much gin, very little bucket
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
