The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize