It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
My ATM looks so different sober.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
