96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
