Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
