there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
