The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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