I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
