Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
