If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Banned from zoo.
Again?
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
