Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
