I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
