I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
