So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
