Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
