so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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