i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
