My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
