The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
