guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
