I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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