We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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