I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
