she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
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