Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Dicks are not precious.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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