i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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