you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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