I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
