So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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