Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
