i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
