My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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