DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
