I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
