Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I FOUND THE LEGS
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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