Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
