you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Randomize