My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
