My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
